Demons

Do you hear the voices? The ones that whisper

you can't...

you haven't...

you didn't...

you won't...

into the cobweb~entrenched recesses of your mind?

I read a post last night from a mom who admitted that, at times, she feels like an absolute failure. Her words oozed wisdom from the very trenches of womanhood. She had obviously heard the voices of doubt, fear, shame echo through her skull, rendering her stuck in the moment with her disabling emotions. My heart ached for her last night. And today, I felt a connection.

I don't know why today of any day I felt helplessly lost in the negative. As I looked around, I saw unkempt piles here and there. I saw laundry unfinished and dishes to unload. I saw carpets unswept and an unhappy toddler. I saw unchecked boxes on my To Do list. I felt unloved. My heart felt overwhelmed.

How do you get through a day like today? It was an ordinary day by any standards. Kids to school, errands to run, meals to prepare, home to maintain. How do you get through a day where everyday tasks are ineffable?

I took a breath. I repeated: The Lord God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing. Zeph. 3:17.

Really? He sings over me? He rejoices in me when everywhere I turn there are needs I haven't met? He delights in imperfect me? What kind of God stays with me, saves me, when the demons in my mind are no longer whispering of my imperfections but shouting their accusations, screaming them into my ear?

He quiets me.

He silences them.

My God.

Tag - You're It!

OK, you all. I've been tagged here and there. And I've always sort of shrugged off figuring out how to snag the picture image or respond, and then I go about my life, none the wiser. I shared last night with My Man about getting tagged or receiving blog 'awards' and all that. He was stunned that I've left them out there floating. I responded to Melissa's by posting about 'a few' of my favorite things. And D tapped me on the shoulder for random things...I promise I'll go back and look at what the other things have been. But, here's my post all wrapped into one.

Random things -

1. My first car was a used red Subaru Justy (like a Ford Festiva, only less American) that I drove until the front end was destroyed (yes, by me) and the air quit working. I drove straight to a Chevy dealership without air conditioning in Missouri in August and traded in for a brand spankin' new Cavalier --- before I even had a real job lined up to cover the payments.

2. I traveled with my mom to Tijuana in junior high and made a promise that I would learn enough Spanish to return and translate what the school boys were calling to me across the street. I took International Baccalaureate Spanish in high school and studied in Mexico one summer, but never really could translate what any hispanic school boys might be saying.

3. My parents were divorced when I was very young - I spent many summers returning to my dad's in SD and driving tractors through fields and pick-ups through ditches. I belted Glory of Love at the top of my lungs in our new John Deere, complete with FM radio, the last summer I went to my dad's. I pretended to kiss Ralph Macchio - I mean my pillow.

4. I moved from a rural town in Missouri to the Big City in 7th grade - after my mom had spent two years commuting two hours one way to work five days per week. She used to wake me up in the dark to french braid my hair before sending me back to bed for my last few hours of sleep. She didn't move until I told her I was ready. I'll never forget the girl that showed me around my new junior high school. She was the cousin of one of my 'country' friends - and this new girl wore all banana yellow - from her Kirk Cameron up-turned Polo collar down to her low heeled pumps. I'd never seen the likes of it before in my Simple Life. And that same girl turned into a total grunge kid before we graduated. Weird.

5. My brother used to make us breakfast every morning - he alternated between french toast and pancakes (I prefered french toast - still do). I would make our lunches. Mom had to get involved when JJ began only making pancakes day in and day out.

6...I am painfully shy, hopelessly self critical, and an imperfect soul saved by grace alone.

OK. Maybe you knew all that already.

Now, I've gone back to all the blogs from whence I recall receiving awards and tags, and really, the only thing I have left is to tag others. All the blogs I read have received these awards. I think. Plus, I only have about 8 on my blogroll. So if you haven't got these, then grab the picture. I didn't write down the rules. Make something up. Tag others. Share the love. Have a glass of wine and get some sleep. That's what I'm going to do, anyway. You do what you love for yourself.

Here's what I love:

great Bible study

true friends

a good night's sleep

this season of my life

photography

humor

BUT, if it's decorating, then:

black (picture frames, furniture, & white photos...)

red (every room should have some)

changing seasons (sea shells in summer, leaves and pumpkins in fall...)

hand-made art (handpainted or stamped signs, papercrafts...)

pillows and throws (too bad hubby doesn't agree...)

a good coat of paint (fixes everything...)

candles (that was 7...)

*mwah*

~and thank you for the bloggy love, Ladies!

HSM3

Yes. Yes it's true. I loved it. I loved the movie High School Musical 3. Yes, that's the love song you're hearing on my playlist. I get choked up everytime I hear Troy start to sing his part. Don't laugh. Don't think less of me. I am a hopeless romantic. And I love sappy love songs. It began with Karate Kid II's Glory of Love when I was, like, 7. And let's not forget Robin Hood's Everything I Do I Do It For You the year I left my own high school - and high school boyfriend - behind!

Aaah. Good times. Good times.

Oops. Back to the present here. So, let me just tell you. Yes. You know the story line already. The apple of 3 didn't fall far from the tree of 1-2. However, I loved the way the musical was woven into the 'present.' I thought the dancing was often incredible (how does Gabriella hold that pose while mid-flight, backwards on a stone wall with high heels on?!?!). And, I'm sorry, but I just adore the main couple - and all the little nuances between the other 6 stars, as well. I read an online review Friday night that said the moms would be swept back to the days of Dirty Dancin' (only without the 'dirty dancing' - another reason to love it: it's squeaky clean! Yay Disney!) when we all swooned as Patrick Swazey insisted, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." Oh yeah. I felt like I was back in high school.

I thought the movie was great. I bought the soundtrack. I nearly wept when the kids went dancing crazy off from chairs like Troy had in the movie and My Man took away my CD (I mean their CD) as punishment to deter broken limbs...We earned it back, though. I mean they did. And we listened to it in it's entirety, and I loved it even more.

Yes. I am 35 years old, and I love High School Musical.

The Invisible Woman

While linking from Melissa's post Fuel the Fire yesterday, I was reminded of Nicole Johnson in this post. Our family education group watched her videos often when I volunteered at the center. I still believe I took more there than I gave. Nicole is amazing. She is a funny, dynamic, straight-talking woman of God. Plus, her spot in the internet sphere is www.freshbrewedlife.com - what Caffeine Addict among us can resist that? In response to Melissa's completely humbling award Friday, I am spending a few days showing you some of my favorite "things" in hopes that you, too, will be shown God's grace through these words...

You may have read them before. Just wait 'til you hear them from her (Him).
Enjoy.

The Privilege of Brokenness

I've mentioned The Church Lady a few days in a row now. She has long been my spiritual mentor. I miss my days of going to the pregnancy center for her classes - I mean as a 'counselor.' So often, God spoke to me while I was there. I pray He also spoke to The Girls. But I know He meant for me to be there, too.

Yesterday we met with the cardiologist for Pookie and Meiners' check-up. The news was good. I accept the cardiologist's good news always with a bit of hesitation. Just always waiting for the next shoe to drop. It has so many times. Not recently. Not, in fact, for 4 years. Praise God.

I fell asleep early last night while snuggling with Meiners. So since Baby S's standard 4:30AM wake up call this morning, I have not been able to return to slumber after settling her back in with a clean diaper, a found binky, and a little one-on-one time with Mama. My mind has been wandering while I lay awake. And I recall moments of leaning and learning. I thought I would share some of those here.

If you've never seen Rob Bell in action, I recommend him. One night at the pregnancy center, we watched his video Rain. In it, he describes a time when he went walking in the woods with his infant son strapped in a pack on his back. When they started the trip, the sun was shining and the day was warm. As they walked further and further along the trail, storm clouds moved in. And eventually rain started pouring down upon them. He pulled his son's hood up over his head and started walking quickly back to their cabin. At first, his son whimpered. Soon, he was crying with every inch of his tiny frame. Rob kept telling him, "It's OK, Little Buddy. Daddy's here. We're gonna be OK. I love you. It's OK, Little Buddy. Daddy's here. We're gonna make it." Rob jokes in the video that one day his son will need therapy over this event. He may come to his dad and say, "Dad, why did you make me go through that?" He hopes that his son will see. Rob shares that this was a moment when he felt bonded to his son like no other time. This was an experience they shared together, and he led his son through the storm. Rob concludes the video reminding us that as earthly parents, we love our children with all of our being. How much more, then, does our Heavenly Father love us? How much more is He whispering, "It's OK, Karin. Your Father is here. We're gonna be OK. It's OK, Dear One. Daddy's here. We're gonna make it." And in the end, we are bonded together by a storm where I had the privilege of sharing the journey with my Heavenly Father.

Here, watch...

Lovelihood

I have a growing admiration for Melissa Lester of A Little Loveliness. Let's just put that out there. On Monday, she wrote a beautiful post with this quote:

As mothers, so many of us are the memory makers in the family. I joke often that Joe provides our livelihood, and I provide our "lovelihood." What a privilege it is to bring our families together year after year. Pieced together like a quilt, we hope those tender moments will wrap our loved ones in warm memories even after we're gone.

What is more magnificent than that? My friend IRL has said to me that her primary job, after establishing a secure family, finances, and home life for her children - is to help build their happy childhood memories. She even has a book with ideas on how to do this very thing --- I'll have to get the title and post it for you (hey, PS, you read my blog, girl - post a comment!) This concept has struck me since she first presented it. I think Melissa's thought reflects the same notion. And it really is just lovely. My friend The Church Lady said it years ago, too --- she always tries to have a roast in the oven on Sundays after church. Growing up in rural Iowa, that's a poignant memory from her childhood, and she sincerely desires to evoke the same smell and taste memories for her own kids.

Lovelihood. Now that the twins are older, I know these days are the beginning of true memories that will be recalled later in their lives. I pray that I am making happy memories for my kids.

Miracle Baby & Prayer Request

Well, ya'll, I made it! I made it through the 10 days of October that I like to pen:

Days from Hades.

Waaaaaaaay too much to get done. You thought I was kidding about the Roman Numeral open box October checklist? I wasn't. And I'm now over half-way through it! Hooray!

Tonite was the 3rd and final stamp camp I (may ever again in my life) held in 5 days. It was for about 40 ladies in a small county south of ours who hold a special place in my heart. I volunteered at the pregnancy center for several years before Baby S graced us with her perpetually awakening and crying existence. Since then, so for the last 16 months, I have not returned to the center. They do a really cool family education group once a month led by my good friend, The Church Lady. TCL called last month and asked me to come help the girls make cards to send to someone special in their lives that they thank God for. (I know that's a dangling something or other. I don't care.)

So, tonite, I laid eyes upon a miracle. 7 months ago, a sweet young 16 year-old entered the center and asked for an abortion. A caregiver sat down with her, counseled her, helped her tell her mom about the pregnancy --- and tonite, I met 2 week-old AnaRose. A tiny little bundle of pink sweetness. And I wept. Because God is good. And because He sends ordinary people. To accomplish extraordinary things.

Amen.

Now, back to me. See, I have a prayer request for myself - which is so much grosser and weird than saving the life of a baby. I have an infection on my face. It is awful. Horrible. Hideous. I might be dying. In the very least, part of my face may fall off. It's VERY painful. Please pray that my doctor would return my calls and get me the prescription I need to vanquish this beast. Seriously. I don't need bad staph infections in my house. Or on my face.

Now, say a prayer for me, please, then go back and think about that sweet bundle of goodness that I watched from across the room tonite because I didn't want to contaminate her with my hideous growing facial infection.

And good night.