I've really battled with what to write here. You all know this is basically my journal. Yet I want it to serve as a ... a memoir for my kids, a tale of what life was like for me in order to help them when it is their turn to raise a generation... And I want them to see that life as a Christian can truly be a battlefield, and we all do the best we can. Well, we should be doing the best we can, within the confines of our earthly selves.
Today, our pastor shared with us that 'the laws' (10 Commandments) were not written for us to try to please God, but instead for us to follow until we reach the end of our means and realize we can't really make it without God.
98.8 is the percent of myself that I have discovered I am giving in an area that I truly and unequivocally should be giving 100% (or more...)
It came to me last week in a lightning strike. My women's Bible study is currently discussing Life Management for the Busy Woman. I am loving it. And one afternoon, as I sat in my husband's comfy leather chair in front of the roaring fire while three kids were at school and Little Sleepless in Sasha was actually napping, I worked diligently on my study. (What a blessing--- when will I have these moments again yet be in such a glorious season of my life with these little ones surrounding me?!) And I reached that part where David confesses his sins and asks that the Lord uncover the secret ones within his heart. And for the first time in my 35 years of life on this earth, I felt a sword pierce my heart and my breath escaped me in a sob.
And I realized.
I realized that I have been giving 98.8% of myself. And for years, I have had no idea. And it was devastating to realize why.
And then I saw the weaving that had begun months ago for all of this to come to me as it has. And I fell apart. That God would take my hand and slowly, methodically, lovingly walk me through to the place that would bring me here. To tonite.
And I love Him for it. And I thank God for the choices He has allowed me to make - and I step forward in faith with Him that I will be who I am supposed to be...everyday, with His help.
May God make it so.