Yesterday was a rough day. It was one of those days where, by the end, you just walk away and hide the tears and pray that tomorrow will be better. Yeah, one of those days.
I guess part of my frustration came from expectations. I've been telling myself for quite some time that I need to be giving my first fruits - of time - to God. Because asking myself to dive into some Bible time at 11:00 or 12:00 at night after a full day and an equally full evening wasn't giving Him anything, really. And I've been needing Him. Really, really needing Him.
A while ago, I learned about the 5:30 club. It may have been through my last Bible study; I don't really remember. But the idea is, you wake up - at 5:30. And this is when you read your Bible and talk to God. And Listen to God, too. Five thirty in the morning is a ludicrous concept. I'm a night owl, after all. I can easily burn the midnight oil and beyond. That's not a problem. The problem is getting up in the morning. You know - like around 5:30 when the baby first desires to share her time with me. Oh first fruits, she does give. Indeed. All day long sometimes, she'll give me fruits. Of fits and spills and tantrums and "NO!"
Yesterday morning there was no crying at 5:30. There were no calls of "Mama!" with increasing intensity. But there was a gentle nudging. He was calling me. Whispering, "Didn't you want to wake up? Now?" It was 5:27. I pulled a Bible study book that's been laying beside my bed for months onto my pillow. I opened it and my eyes. And I read. I pondered. I answered. And I listened.
And you know what? I had a really bad day. Really, really bad. The kind that make you wonder what He was thinking by putting you here in this place in this time with these lives. Because, as far as I was concerned, yesterday I was losing the battle. Karin - 0; Everybody Else - 427. I lost.
And then last night, I went through my normal routine. I read a few blogs. I caught up on others' lives. And then, out of no where, I found Light. I found this blog. And this book. And today, I found a journal from when the twins were a year old. And I found memories, and I found answers. And my expectations changed. Because God hasn't told us that giving Him our time - and our lives - will make all the challenges that face us every day go away. They may not even be reduced in number. But He uses them to draw us closer to Him. And He gives us Salvation.
For today, I gave Him my first fruits. He answered by giving me an awesome gift. I found Him where I wasn't expecting Him. And it was exactly what I needed.
