About a year ago, I started writing a K-log. I fashioned it after my husband's equivalent. He told me then about 'blogs' and we started our own non-online version. His was more to document family events. Mine was about this...
August 28, 2007
OK, it’s my time to start the k-log…I’ll have to think of a catchy title. Or not. It’s about the writing. About the learning who I am, what I like, dislike, want to remember. To be a student of life and learn something every day. Here’s something I know. I want to have a network. A friendship circle. Yet, branching out and developing that circle scares the bejeezes out of me.
Tonite, I held S – I’ve decided I don’t do enough ‘just holding.’ With S, Dear One, it is always functional holding – if I hold her, she doesn’t cry. Life is simpler – obviously more peaceful – without a baby crying. So I held her tonite just to hold her and feel that baby love. And I realized how I’ve turned my nights into something just for me. Maybe a drink (Margarita, please), maybe a toffee almond bar (newest obsession – don’t ask how much I spent to make those the first time…and again tonite, for that matter!). Maybe a surf of the web or stamping or a Designed to Sell episode. And one day – not too long from now – I won’t have those times or those things. Because I won’t be this ‘stay-at-home mom.’ I know The Man wants me to return to work when the kids are at school. And I don’t know that I wouldn’t want to do that. But, tonite, it made me sad to think about the future away from today. Today, it’s hard. Believe me, it’s hard. But I’m home and my work is making it through the day with only one cup of caffeine. And honestly, if I want to head to the Bread Co. and blow another XX dollars on soufflés and coffee drinks – I can and I do. There’s freedom in these crazy days.
So, how do I go about making my today – my right now – better? I want to be more patient with my kids. I want to teach them the things they should know – things I was taught and things maybe I wasn’t taught. I want to say the things that my mom would’ve said if someone called me a name. The things that need to be said to make them feel better. To give them steel skin. Confidence. Love. To know, no matter what, my momma loves me. And she’d do absolutely anything to make me feel better. I want to be That Mom.
Today was a good day – we played games together downstairs and I folded a load of laundry while they played together, too. And then the rush of getting everyone dressed, fed, and off to school before the bus missed them. And Meiners and S and I ran errands this afternoon. That Meiners. He is a hoot. I need to carry a book with me and just write down the things he says sometimes. It’s not always just his words, but purely the way he says them. He is something else. Of course, there’s the classic, “when I was a tid [kid]…” because when you’re 3 you’ve lived a whole lifetime already!!!
With my kids, I’m not a flub-up. (Well, I pray not!) They’re these perfect little people that God has given me – mostly perfect *wink*. They’re so different. It’s astounding. And each of them has their thing. And though it’s hard, they challenge me and it’s mostly fun. I love them. I hold S and I realize it all over again. That I hold them for such a little time. And then they’re off and I’m literally chasing them to catch up. And when we slow down to hold them – just for the sake of holding – it’s a whole ‘nother baby that’s in my arms and letting me hold her. For only a little while.